Back in 2020, I had a vision that I thought was fulfilled in 2022. Now I believe I’m still in it. I saw my entire visual field go black. And it stayed in darkness for a long, long time. And then- a spark of light lit up the bottom right corner and spread slowly at first, then building momentum and finally filling my entire visual field with light. It consumed the darkness.

I knew it was the Lord telling me that I was about to enter a season of my life that would be quite hard. But that ultimately, it would end and end wonderfully- end with hope and love and peace.

When we discovered Owen’s cancer was back in September of 2020, we entered darkness. And it actually started slightly before that when we moved to Utah from California and my 13 year old son did not come with us. I was in such despair over Kanan staying with his father in California. Then add Owen’s cancer and the prognosis of “nothing we can do. You have 2-5 years statistically.” Well…. it was quite dark.

Then we began to fight the cancer and Owen started to get better. Our business grew and while it was so hard to not see Kanan every other week in our usual 50/50 custody schedule, he came to visit often. I was able to actually homeschool our kids and work less in our business. And in April of 2025 I was offered a part time job at a local pregnancy clinic that fulfilled every dream I ever had for a career. One that only the Lord would know- detailed in the private journals of my life. I felt in my gut that he was giving to me for a reason. That it was a stepping stool to something more he was preparing me for.

Then last November of 2025 Owen started developing a cough.

He grew sicker and sicker and worked less and less.

Then on May 5th, I took him to the ER for respiratory failure. And our life entered more darkness than ever before.

He almost died in that hospital.

They saved his life and I’m so grateful that he was there when he went into a Myasthenia Gravis Crisis.

There’s a new prognosis. It is not good. But I refuse to speak it and give it life. Ultimately, God and not doctors are the givers and takers of life. And God is bigger than all. I will let him decide, no one else.

But that does not mean we are not in a very hard wilderness season. Owen’s inability to work is leading to us to have to consider closing our business.

His disability checks won’t come until November.

My part time job will not be able to sustain us.

We have some savings in place to help us through summer. After that, it runs out.

I am trusting that Lord take us to our promise land, but I know that the length of time we spend in the wilderness depends entirely on our faith and willingness to obey him and follow him through it. To not let fear lead our hearts astray.

I’m starting to apply for teaching positions. And I’ve let my director know at the Pregnancy Clinic I work at that I would love to work full time in any area she sees my giftings would be helpful.

And guess what else?

My son, in his folly in college made some choices that lead him to need to come to Utah and live with us. My prayer was that the Lord would redeem the 5 years I lost when we moved to Utah.

It will be a wilderness season for him as well. But my prayer is that Lord timed all of this for a reason.

He is tearing down and rebuilding and redeeming all at the same time.

I do not know when everything is filled with light.

But my director and spiritual mentor from the pregnancy clinic gave me a wise word a couple of days ago.

She said, “do not be fooled into believing this is merely a financial or health crisis. This is a spiritual and existential one. Cling to the Lord. And remember he has a 100% success rate. The biggest lesson through all of this will be spiritual.

Sit it in it.

There is no striving in Jesus.

So I’m here trying to rest. I’m doing the things that I believe are responsible and being a good steward. But reminding myself to not allow fear wear the mask of responsibility. And not allow my responsibility to hide my motive of fear. To see my responsibility merely as a collaboration with the almighty. I can plant. I can water. But it is God who grows and he who produces the harvest.

I can only operate within the time, matter, space, and energy he has provided me in this dimension.

Since he is outside of that, he sees what I don’t see. And he can manipulate any of these laws he set in place to work together for good what he has in store.

Lord, may we I hear one day, “well done my good and faithful servant.”

If you want to help us during this time- we certainly can use the loving hands and feet of our friends and family.

I promise you, I do not want to stay here.

My friends have started this page for us here for support — > https://mealtrain.com/wn4k20